i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
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