You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
