fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
