your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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