Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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