Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
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