you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
