I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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