I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
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