I think my fart just growled at me.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
