I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
