I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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