yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize