Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
