the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
I just cut my nipple shaving
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
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