I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
