You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
