he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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