How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
