Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
