I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
