She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
