omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
