I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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