Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
