I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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