Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
