You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Randomize