if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
zippers are such a cool invention
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
