Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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