I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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