happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
