I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
