be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Randomize
