im gay
i know
yea but for you.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize