I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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