I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
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