sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
