there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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