This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Randomize
