At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
