I think I died a long time ago.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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