I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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