At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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