i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
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