Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
