if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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