I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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