Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
