I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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