Old men and throwing up are my life now.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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