That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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