I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
