Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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