I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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