you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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