I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
