I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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