If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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